What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem can seem like a magical word that was pulled from the darkest parts of the castle. We rarely learn much about it. People like to sling around, “Oh, you just need self-esteem.” Or “If she loved herself, she would have more self-respect.” If you understand more about self-esteem, you can overcome it. Through this article, you will learn about self-esteem’s backstory, types of self-esteem, ways to improve, self-assessment, and how therapy helps.
What is Self-Esteem?
There are several definitions of self-esteem. There are technical definitions from places like the American Psychological Association (APA). APA states self-esteem is “the degree to which the qualities and characteristics in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive.” To simpler ones stating it’s what you think of you. The middle path is the way you feel about your identity and the value placed on it.
Why is Self-Esteem Important?
Our self-esteem lends to our sense of purpose, our passion, our essence. Self-esteem is a sense of who we are. Self-esteem influences the choices we make in life, our circumstances, and our outlook on the world. Without this, we feel lost and alone. It affects our overall well-being. Self-esteem is essential for survival.
Types of Self-Esteem
Low Self-Esteem-a decreased sense of self.
High Self-Esteem-love and acceptance of one’s self.
Inflated Self-Esteem-overestimation sense of self.
Causes of Low Self-Esteem
External and/or internal causes influence our self-esteem. We can have a mix of both. Regardless, there is importance in knowing your causes. You can transform your low self-esteem to high self-esteem.
External Causes
Early Childhood Experiences (parenting styles, modeling, messages received from adults)
Judgements and rejections from others
Reactions of others
Health
Social Circumstances
Life Experiences
Internal Causes
Personality
Self judgements and rejections
Comparison to others
Internalization of events
Negative Self-Talk (Influenced by external forces as well.)
What we say to ourselves has a greater impact on our self-esteem than outside sources. We truly are our own worst enemy. This means we can be our greatest cheerleaders. There is always hope that we can improve our sense of self-worth.
Self-Esteem Critic
Everyone has this inner voice, dialogue that happens. It's a little louder and meaner for some of us. We often refer to this ruder inner voice to as the pathological critic. The pathological critic takes center stage in someone with lower self-esteem. It feeds on the fear and shame to be more vicious and ruthless.
The critic often plays on the what “shoulds”, keeping up with the Joneses, and is your biggest bully. It convinces us we aren’t our best self because others are better. We never notice the toll it is taking on us. We rationalize it and tell ourselves the voice is correct. It’s a very toxic relationship with yourself.
How the Critic got Its Voice
I am sure there is no surprise that often our critic voice gets its start in our childhood. Development of our critic became messages we heard from adults but also from their actions. When we got disciplined or actions corrected, we learned the message was we did something bad. Well, that was the message we were supposed to learn. Our brains warp and twist it into we are bad. This creates shame.
5 Factors Strengthening the Critic
Developed by your parents or adult guardians, these factors were instrumental in the formation of your critic. The younger you were, the stronger the critic. The critic thrives on these factors and got stronger as they fed it.
They taught you basic needs, safety, sense of taste, and judgements were wrong.
You never learned the difference between “bad” behavior vs “bad” person.
They frequently corrected your behaviors.
Inconsistency vs consistency of redirection.
How your parents emotionally reacted to your behaviors.
Ways to Quiet the Critic
Tell the Critic to hush it.
Tell yourself you’re exceptional (positive affirmations help!)
Engage in activities that distract you from the critic.
Read this blog post for more tips.
Seek a therapist.
How to Therapy can Help
After years of bully, therapy may be necessary. A therapist can help you reframe your thinking. They can keep your critic in check. Your critic has been nagging you for years. You are its best defender. A therapist will be its greatest defeat. Here are some ways your therapist will help:
They can help you recognize cognitive distortions or faulty beliefs
They can challenge your critic.
They can highlight your strengths.
They can help you move towards self-acceptance.
They work with you on perfectionism, inability to accept criticism, assertiveness, and the “shoulds”.
They help you develop and reinforce the healthy voice you would have if the critic hadn’t developed its strength.
Self-Esteem Inventory
Are still questioning if you have a critic? Are you on the fence if your critic has a loud voice? You can complete this inventory to give you more insights or to determine if your critic has a deeper hold. The self-esteem inventory is only a tool to help you figure out where to start. It’s best to complete the inventory then process with a therapist.
When completing the inventory, settle yourself in a safe and comfortable space. Maybe grab your favorite hot beverages and cozy blanket. Pull out that sacred, favorite journal to write your inventory. Write as many words to describe you as you can in these categories:
Physical appearance
How you relate to others
Personality
How others see you
Performance at school or work
Performance of daily life tasks
Mental function (Your ability to solve problems or your knowledge base)
Sexuality
If you have completed your inventory and you noticed areas of concern, you will want to reach out to a therapist to begin your self-work. I provide free consultations to see if we are the right fit. Or if you are ready to work on bettering yourself, you can schedule an appointment directly.